having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
