woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
