Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
