my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
