Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
