I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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