I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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