someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
