just survived the first fart of the relationship.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
