plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
