he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
