Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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