It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
