I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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