I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
