i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
