You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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