I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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