he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
