speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
