just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
