life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
