You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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