Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
