And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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