Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
