everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
