i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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