I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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