I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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