Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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