my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
