is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
