I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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