Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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