Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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