dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
