if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
