i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
