I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
