Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize