There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
