well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
