if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ugly people sure do ruin things
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize