My Higher Power is John Stamos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
