Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize