I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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