he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
