Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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