Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
