my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
