you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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