I accidentally had phone sex last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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