i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
