where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
