i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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